Flanelled Fools

I miss cricket. I miss playing it. I miss watching it. I miss talking about it. I miss having ridiculous conversations about the game.

This is personal. I've played cricket since I was 6 or 7 when my mum would bowl to me in the back garden. Something clicked.

I love the smell of linseed oil (this is what you oil bats with). I miss the sound of leather on willow (bats are made predominantly of willow). I miss the buzz of insects on the lovely green cricket field. I miss the fantastic teas (every club would pride itself on the quality of the teas which was a huge highlight as well as a major factor in how you rated the opposition, definitely it was not skill), I miss the cricket fields themselves: when I was younger, virtually every village had a green in the middle of the village with a church, maybe two pubs, a memorial to the fallen and a cricket field upon which people would play football, hockey or rugby during winter. My cricket club's ground was in the middle of a park. The clubs would rent the fields but the cricket strips themselves would often be maintained by the parkies (sorry, the park keepers).

The strip at Cup Match in Bermuda

I miss the beer afterwards; the jugs if you made 50 runs or took 5 wickets. I miss the fines for transgressions during the match (more commonly these would be on tour). I miss the fact that after 12 hours on a weekend afternoon, the captain would come around and ask for your contribution to the match in the bar after the game was over (ridiculously cheap), most of which would go on beer shared with the other team. I miss the fact that most matches ended in draws (the best matches often ended in draws. Wins/losses were usually more one sided so less dramatic and certainly less enjoyable for one of the teams). I miss the bad umpire decisions (I could go on and on about this). I miss the scoring and the scoring books which required the skill of ... I don't know what the equivalent would be these days. Einstein couldn't have managed, that's all I'm saying. In short, I miss a lot of things.

The last match I played with Indy and Dee Dee: I miss this too.

In March usually, there would appear curious roped off areas in the middle of the larger open green spaces. Within this roped off area would soon appear the signs of a roller and more care from the mower for this was the strip; usually a number of long strips of grass side by side which during the summer will become the wicket upon which matches will be played. Care devoted now is essential for the slightest imperfection could result in the wicket becoming 'sticky'. All cricketers know what I mean for this is the language that all cricketers speak. These are the classic signs of approaching summer in England.

Cricket arrives in early April and leaves with regret in late September or early October, depending on the weather. It should be there now. No, it should be everywhere now in the northern hemisphere.

Our cricket season in Bermuda strictly followed the English season (for no very good reason as the weather outside of this time was perfectly good for cricket. Maybe the clocks going back cut off some time, but it certainly wasn't the weather). This meant that in July and August, if you were unlucky you could stand for hours on end under blindingly cloudless sky in monstrous heat and humidity. Personally, I stopped playing at the weekend in the longer format of the game some time in my 50's after getting out first ball of the match around 12.01 pm (LBW to a terrible decision which made it worse), standing as umpire from the end of the 2nd over for the remainder of the 50 overs (around 3 hours) and then taking my place in the field for another 3 hours whilst our opponents had their innings. I was a basket case by the end of the match. Nobody sympathised.

Moving to only after work evening games (I'd played evening matches since I was in my 20's as well as at weekends), I played until 2017 when we left Bermuda and there has not been a day that I haven't missed it. But, that is due to my choice not through regulations enforced by law (courtesy of coronavirus).

The upside of right now is that the BBC for example is re-running great old matches on both video and radio. The media is writing lengthy screeds eulogising matches, times and players from years gone by.

I read a terrific Guardian piece recently linking great players together throughout cricket's history via the Yorkshire great, Wilfred Rhodes. Mr Rhodes played in one of the greatest of Ashes test matches at the Oval in 1903 when England beat Australia by 1 wicket (this is known as Jessup's match) with the immortal words at the end from Mr. Rhodes being "we'll get 'em in singles".  He did.

Wilfred Rhodes

Every cricket enthusiast knows this catch phrase and will use it during their cricket careers, guaranteed. I have used it many times, not always successfully. In fact most often unsuccessfully but then again I wasn't Wilfred Rhodes. Mr. Rhodes played his last test match when he was 52 which was the basis of the story (first class cricketers playing past 50), the year before the incomparable Don Bradman played his first test match in England in 1930, and he had played his first test match in the same game as the great Victor Trumper played his first test match (he was Australian but I won't hold that against him) but more importantly this was the last test match of the even more legendary and incomparable W.G. Grace.

With WG at Lords

And then there are the insane rules... which of course everyone somehow intuitively knows. Or rather they used to. If you read the autobiography of Peter Ustinov (who? shows my age!), he made the wonderful comment that somehow if you went to school in England (he was Russian), you would absorb the rules of the game by osmosis even if you didn't play the game, and be able to talk intelligently about the LBW rule, how many different times a batsman can be out, the amazing varietals of the leg spin bowler in particular the googly, demonstrate with an orange how to swing a new ball, and a whole host of other wonderful arcane cricketing things.

Can other games do this?

How can summer be the same without this wonderful, wonderful game? Let's hope things loosen up before too long.

The Summer Game

I have been addicted to cricket probably since I was 5 or 6. My mum introduced me to the game by bowling to me in the back garden (my dad was Polish so thought we were all mad). My forward defensive stroke is all down to her. Not a bad one either, even if I have to say so myself.

The thing that really did it for me though was the TV coverage by the BBC. Back then (we are talking 1959-60), this was the era of Peter May, Colin Cowdrey, Ted Dexter, Fred Trueman, Brian Statham and others. Glorious to watch but they did always seem to lose when they played Ashes test matches. Actually, it has pretty much always been a battle against the Aussies in Ashes tests and in my memory with only relatively few high spots; virtually never away from England.

Earliest cricket memories include the batting card on TV. These days all computer driven and presented. Certainly more efficient, faster in production and informative but what a loss! In those days it was hand written by someone who had beautiful copper plate writing. I can't remember who the opposition was but my first first TV memory was Ted Dexter getting out for 180 and the batting card disappeared and then reappeared with the full details.

I started formally playing when I went to Eton House School at the age of 8; no chance of that when I was at the catholic convent Lindisfarne as the school was run by Belgian nuns. I'd had great success playing in our driveway against other boys and girls (yes, even then) but discovered after being no balled for 3 successive deliveries in my first over at Eton House that that was most likely due to the fact that I had been throwing the ball all the time. This meant a total reworking of my action and is most likely a key reason that I never quite made it to play for England at Lords. My pace dropped sharply!

I did make it finally to Eton House 1st XI a few years later. Back row, 2nd from right

Fortunately, and this is where I tip my hat yet again to my mum, my forward defensive stroke proved a formidable barrier and surprised everyone at a time when nobody owned one. The typical 8 year old stroke was a wild swish or a curious type of prod of the type you'd use if you had a hoe in your hand and you'd come across a snake in the grass. Many years later I'd endlessly train/torture both Indy and Dee Dee in the back garden on the use of the forward defensive with tennis ball or cricket ball as they got older. They didn't make as much use of it as I did but when we all played together it was noticeably still there, somewhere.

Our last game all together at Shelly Bay, Bermuda

I mention this as the wonderful cricket season has just about come to an end in England. My county Essex is challenging for the county championship with Somerset but it is a tight thing as the final game is against Somerset so will be a sort of winner take all affair. I shall be on tenterhooks!  However the Ashes test matches against Australia have just finished with an England victory in the 5th test making the series 2-2 with one match drawn, even though sadly the Aussies retained the Ashes as England didn't win the series.

If you are cricket followers you will know that the matches themselves were pretty low standard affairs. Neither set of batsmen could cope with the quality of the bowlers and on balance the Aussie bowlers were the better lot... except for a couple of the guys. One Aussie, one Brit. The Aussie simply ground away for hours on end and scored a gazillion runs in the series evoking memories of Don Bradman, the greatest of them all. His name is Steve Smith and do look for articles about him or rather his performances. Here's one to start with. The Brit is a totally different kettle of fish and is a fine stroke maker but in this series with England only one ball away from collapse on every delivery, he was forced to adjust his style to grind away too. It is strange to watch someone who clearly isn't that good at something but puts so much effort into doing it anyway because that is what the team needs and really has to happen, but that is what watching Ben Stokes bat like that was all about. Where Smith knew what he was doing and could go about things calmly, Stokes had to force it with the result that for much of the time he was stroke less and run less. This whilst all about him collapse and panic reined (this is England's batting) until there came a point that there was only him and the last man and another 73 runs to win. Total mindset change.

Stokes knew he could not rely on the last man, after all he was a bowler not a batter even though he was one of those salt of the earth, get knocked down but get up again, kind of guys. Totally gawky but very, very brave. Where others ducked and bobbed and weaved as the ball whizzed past their heads... and then got out to very poor efforts, the 11th man, Jack Leach, stood tall, swayed in and out, kept his eye on the ball and bat away from it so it could not inadvertently take an edge and be caught. He 100% looked the part and immediately became a legend, rather like Eddie the Eagle in ski-jumping. Not very good but very brave and very determined.

And totally against the odds at the other end Stokes simply did what he does best and smashed the formerly formidable attack to all parts. Sixes and fours everywhere off everyone. Until the score reached single figures left to win when Stokes grew nervous. First he went for a wild thrash and missed it and the ball hit him on the leg right in front of the wicket. The Aussies appealed for LBW (leg before wicket, one of the ways in which a batsman can get out. If the ball hits the leg and would have gone on to hit the wicket, that could be out LBW). Not out said the umpire.... the TV announcers were howling at this point. They knew that was wrong. The ball WAS going to hit the wicket but the Aussies were not able to review this decision as they had already reviewed two others incorrectly in the innings and were consequently all out of challenges. The TV showed the review and it was absolutely out. Stokes would have been out, should have been out and the Aussies should have won the test match but the umpire got it wrong! The crowd were going crazy. Next ball another frenetic thrash and both Stokes and Leach made a total hash of running with Leach running towards the bowler's end where the ball was being returned and he knew he would be yards short... when the bowler blinked and missed the ball and as he fumbled Leach was able to scramble home. Again, Leach should have been run out, England should have lost, and the Aussies should have won the match and the Ashes, but this time it was the bowler who made a hash of the whole thing.

Next ball Stokes thrashed it into the crowd again (in all he hit 8 sixes in this final dramatic run assault/chase) and that was 2 to win. But it was also the end of the over and now Leach had to face all 6 balls of the currently finest fast bowler in test cricket. He casually flicked a single, his only run in the entire process, which brought the teams level and next ball Stokes thrashed the winning boundary and the celebrations began.

I was screaming too at this point. I recorded it and have watched the last amazing hour 3 or 4 times. Every time I still don't believe England did it. They really shouldn't have.

**

I'd thought that the World Cup final some 6 weeks ago now was the most dramatic, exciting, unlikely day of cricket I had ever seen... In that game between England and New Zealand played over 50 overs per side, the Kiwis scored some 245 runs, way below what an acceptable score should be. These days teams knock off 300+ with regularity so all of a sudden England was firm favourite. This changed within 5 overs as the English batters realised to their alarm (and doom) that although the English bowling had been mean, tight and penetrating and did a great job restricting the Kiwis to such a small score, the Kiwi attack was every bit as good and that in fact the pitch was extremely awkward and did not allow for a side to simply smash a decent bowling side all over the place. It took one batsman, again Stokes, to steady the ship after a clatter of wickets and amidst an ongoing debacle at the other end and approach the final over with the not inconsiderable amount of 15 required to win.

The first two balls he did not score. Then the third he hit for 6!! Then on the fourth he wanted to run 2 and hit it to the boundary where he tried to run 2 but it looked very much like he would end up short and be run out .... when the ball thrown in from the boundary hit him as he was running and ran off to the boundary for 4 overthrows, making this shot a .... 6!! Or maybe something else. Did Stokes mean to do this or was it an accident? If accidental, then overthrows. If deliberate, then out. The crowd was going crazy. The umpires hadn't a clue what to signal for that 4 overthrows ball but after deliberations it was obvious that Stokes hadn't a clue what was going on either and that the ball had simply hit him and run away. So after multiple TV replays, they came up with 6 scored and 3 left to win. Two balls to do it. The bowler bowled and I'm afraid like Dirty Harry in the first movie, in all the excitement I kinda forget what exactly happened, but they did run one and the number 10 batsman was run out going for the second. And then on the final ball, the exact same thing happened again. He tried to run 2 but only managed 1 with the new batsman run out well short of making his ground. So a tie!!

Sudden death single over ensued. England to bat first. It would be Stokes of course and another big hitter. 6 balls. Most runs win. Only 2 wickets allowed. First ball Stokes hit the ball into the crowd!!.... which went even more crazy, and for the remaining balls the pair of them managed to amass 14 runs. A decent amount. The Kiwis turn was next and first ball was a .... no run, dot ball!!! The crowd were going wild. I was going wild.... I was watching it on my phone, I think in the car. My friend John was on a bus in France.... and he was screaming! Next ball the batsman hit it miles into the crowd! Aaagh!! 9 left and 4 balls to do it. Runs and balls ensued and left 2 runs needed on the last ball. One to tie, 2 to win. The batsman hit it to the fielder on the boundary who collected it cleanly and threw it in what was probably his greatest ever piece of fielding and the batsman was run out by a whisker. Another tie but England won it.... not because they scored more runs than the Kiwis but because they scored more boundaries in their innings.

Did I say that cricket is full of weird rules?

**

I'm a Test Match guy. I just love the fact it takes 5 days to reach a conclusion which may well be a draw... no result in fact. I know this makes no sense to some people but it is how it is. In the old days, test matches could be played to completion; so-called 'timeless tests'. That's how teams could rack up nearly 1,000 runs in an innings and still get a result... think Ashes test of 1938 at the Oval. In the 1980's it was decided to add a 6th day to one Ashes test match as an experiment. The result was one of the dullest day's play I have ever watched and with one batsman scoring the dullest century of all time (it wasn't, most like. It just felt like it). So even enthusiasts like me have their limits.

The 50-over One Day Internationals (ODI in modern parlance) are also fine. In club cricket this is effectively what everyone in the world only plays. It may not be limited to 50 overs per side but games have to be finished in a single weekend day and the practicality of it all makes it to be around 50 overs per side. Of course in club cricket, a draw is possible whilst in official ODI matches (like the World Cup final for example), there has to be a result. This is a key difference as it makes the end of any match a frenetic thrash for the team batting second whilst in club cricket the game meanders along most pleasantly.

The shorter form matches, called T20 these days... 20 overs per side, are usually played by we humble amateurs as an after work thing. Again practicality kicking in. In June/July in England you can squeeze in 25 overs but by August you are struggling to make 20 overs as the evenings start to close in. By September you are lucky to get 16 overs in. In Bermuda, we always struggled to get 20 overs in with 14 being usual by late August. Again no draw possible in these games which resemble a thrash from start to finish.

My Bermuda evening league team in 1995

15 or so years ago, cricket left terrestrial TV in England (formerly the BBC). Yes, the English Cricket Board sold its soul for money to the subscription TV services. In this year's World Cup final, by special concession, the subscription TV service Sky agreed to let terrestrial TV take the feed so people could watch free. 10 million people watched. For the final day of the most exciting test match for a generation, barely 2 million paying customers watched. Not a coincidence.

In 2020 a new limited over series called the Hundred will take place. Only 100 balls will be bowled per innings making this even faster than the already frenetic T20 competitions. The already crowded cricket schedule is being changed to accommodate this new circus and the 4-day championship and 5-day test matches are being shunted aside willy nilly. Sponsors are flooding in. Mercenary cricketers for every nation are signing up. TV companies and the ECB are rubbing their hands together thinking about all the lovely cash they'll rake in as the shorter forms of the game are highly popular with non-cricket fans .... of course for the good of cricket and not to line their own pockets, solidify their power base or ironically (or maybe not so) in any way improve the quality of test cricket played by the national team.

Sounds like a lot of sports, governments, quangos, corporations.... tail wagging dog.

I hope the 2 million or so that have subscription TV enjoy the circus. I'll stay with the live feed I've found of Essex playing county championship cricket.

Take the last train to... Nottingham

The Monkees had Clarksville, I had Nottingham a couple of weeks ago when I was joining my Bermuda cricket team for first an all day 40-over cricket match and a day, the 3rd day, at Trent Bridge for the 4th Ashes Test against Australia.  However, the East Midlands Railway did me proud and whizzed me there in style and on time.

One thing to note though is how impressive St. Pancras station is these days.  Admittedly I haven't lived in England since 1985, that's 30 years now, but when I left London was poor and a real dump.  The stations in particular were more like cess pits than places where you want to hang out.  30 years on, London is hopping and the stations have been marvellously renovated so it was with a certain reluctance I took my leave.

Nottingham is a nice place.  It has of course been around for centuries and was a big market town in the 13th century when Robin Hood was around and about.  During the Industrial Revolution, it had many of those dark satanic mills that were made famous or rather infamous by the wonderful hymn "Jerusalem".  These days they are all gone... or rather repurposed for rather nice looking apartments.

A Dark Satanic Mill

The city itself is old.  I sadly didn't make it to the castle as I'd hoped, the place where King Charles I's battle against Cromwell finally came to an end, and a nice place to stroll around taking in the sun.  However I had team meetings, dinner and general rowdy behaviour to make so I had to curtail things that first day and make up for missing Stuart Broad's bowling out Australia whilst I was on the train... before lunch on the first day for 60, taking 8 for 15 in the process.

The next day was the cricket match at a small village a mile or so away where our captain, Damion, used to play.  It had been years since most of us have played an all day game.  Our usual format is 20 overs after work.  However they had done the right thing by playing a sociable team and agreed to bat first (just in case we collapsed like Australia had done the day before).

The Associates at Plumtree

I managed to bowl 3 overs, being slogged for 14 in my first and last overs by thugs who didn't appreciate my style of swing and skill.  But then again most of the guys who were interested in bowling had a bowl and Plumtree ended up on 247 after their 40 overs.  Had Cookie not gone for 3 big sixes in that last over, or Broaders being a little more lissom in the field, or Damion taking that sitter...

One moment though stands above all of these wonders and it involved the immaculate Bally.  One batsman played a firm defensive shot all along the ground straight to him whereupon Bally adopted the "long barrier" position so approved by the MCC.  In this he knelt down and with his other leg stretched it out so that there would be an immovable and unpassable barrier to stop the ball.  Standing sideways on, it was impossible to see what happened but usually you'd see the ball suddenly deviate if it were to get past the fielder, but in this case the ball kept steadily on. Not too fast, not too slow.  As it passed Bally, he stayed there unmoving and quite probably unbelieving whilst the ball continued its merry way to the boundary.

When our turn came, I jumped at the chance at opening the batting (you never say "No" with this lot!) and probably didn't touch a thing for the first over or so but somehow managed to scratch through a few overs to get 20-something.  However we lost a few wickets and some momentum until our token Aussie Travis joined Damion at the wicket and kick started the chase by smashing the ball to all parts.  Sadly he got out an over or so too early and even with the skip's heroics taking him to 92*, we ended the chase 29 short.

Check out the Associates Cricket page on Facebook for the full sight screen to sight screen race!

Mind you we all had new top to tail kit with great hats so we all felt like children at Christmas!

The Plumtree guys were very hospitable and we did the same with our Dark n' Stormies from Bermuda which was a very pleasant prelude to dinner and a riotous finale that sensibly I didn't join opting instead for an early-ish night.

The main event was in full Bermuda attire, yellow shorts, blazer, blue knee socks and a sporty new Associates tie.  Sadly the Aussies had folded late in the day the night before losing 3 quick wickets so had only 3 left for us to watch from our box.  They didn't help much lasting only 39 minutes in all allowing England to win by an innings and plenty.

I managed to step onto the ground after most of the people left as the box stayed open for most of the day and also had a selfie with Ricky Ponting, the ex-Aussie captain, who said not one word for the entire time.  He looked OK in the picture though.

The Punter with the fixed grin

We also had a chicken suit and wolf suit that rotated through the team during the day (we'd had a memorable race off between the chicken and wolf the day before at Plumtree!) which accompanied the team on the big night after.  Bermuda shorts and animal suits certainly are really good at breaking the ice in bars and clubs although one of our guys had to convince a doubtful bouncer on two occasions that Bermuda attire is not fancy dress ("It is in Nottingham!") crossing his palm with silver on both occasions.

A chicken suit and blue Bermuda blazer certainly caused a stir!

The boys made it back at varying hours contributing in no small part to a very quiet and laid back final day in Nottingham as the guys trickled away, bit by bit.

Great time though!